Doing it right - One day at a time

Ten years is a long time. Is it? Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. Who cares? Things change everyday. I remember someone asking me what do you see yourself doing in next ten years. Oh wow! That was ten years ago. And I had no answer to that question. Ten years is a long time I thought. Who knows whether you will still be alive? But I am still alive after ten years. When I ponder upon the question now, I figure that I was pretty right. I had no clue then and I was right about having no clue. I come across the same freaking question today. Where do I see myself in next 10 years? The answer is same. I have no freaking clue.

 I have friends who had a clear picture about what they wanted to do in life when they were just fifteen. I used to be shocked, "Are you kidding me? A software engineer? And you think you will be happy? Life has so much to give. Why ruin your life sitting in front of a computer all your life?" And some other guy would agree with me but would come up with some other profession that he wanted take up which was weird to me. I never had thought about anything. And even if I did, I would freak out thinking about it. I couldn't think of anything. I just turned 27 and I don't know what I want to do in life still. I remember I was interested in painting when I was in 7th grade. I gave up because one day I painted the most beautiful painting of mine and in the end accidentally spilled colors over it that ruined the painting. It was so painful that I never touched the brush again. I still have that painting somewhere in my house but I never want to come across it again.

In eighth grade I was the best drummer in my group. It was my passion. I would skip classes to go to the music room in school and play the drums. Soon I was caught bunking classes and was never allowed in the music room again. In tenth grade I bought my first guitar (which happens to be the last guitar I bought till date). My dad convinced me that playing drums would bother the neighbors and it wouldn't be appropriate in the house. I got obsessed with the guitar. I was so passionate that I would play it all night till my fingers bled. Whoooo! That sounded like a song. Oh Nevermind. I realized where my passion was. I wanted to become a rockstar which didn't sound very pleasant to my dad. A year into the new passion it was a passion no more. I was already bored.  

Oh forget about the past. You must be wondering what did I do in these ten years. The answer is - I took one day at a time. I ended up in front of a computer which I thought was next to impossible when I was young. But like I said, things change everyday. And things around me changed in such a way in these ten years that computer has become a part of not only everyday life but every-hour life. Nothing can be done without computer. No matter what profession you choose.

The word 'profession' makes me want to answer your one more question that you will realize now that you already have in your mind. What is my profession? The answer is not very simple here. I will let you decide what my profession is and has been for the past several years. After taking up Science as my major in high school, I ended up in a business school for my undergraduate. While in school, I was a home-tuition teacher. Right after graduating, I was a reporter in a business magazine which I soon gave up for a job as a Marketing Manager in an IT company. After a year or so when I have had enough, I gave up the job and did nothing for two months. Then I started working for orphans. To add a twist I gave up my studies in Business and started my master's in computer science. Remember my friend who wanted to become a software engineer? I'm sure he didn't have a curvy path like mine to his Master's in computer science. 

I still don't know if I will stick to this profession. I will always be like me. But by taking one day at a time, I am always happy. I have my definition of happiness - "If you are happy today, you will always be happy. If you are unhappy today worrying about the future, your future will be present someday and you will still be unhappy in that present worrying for the next future".

Till next time guys. Cheers.

I'm a housefly

I am a housefly in the window. When the sun shines, I find the world outside very beautiful. I fancy being there, looking at myself as a part of that world. I imagine things that I believe would be so special to explore. Not that I am not happy being inside, in fact I live in the most safest settings inside the house as there are no creatures that make me prey, but the beauty of the outer world is just irresistible. I prepare my wings to fly and with all the excitement and impatience, I flap my wings and steer towards the world. But out of nowhere, I strike something that I can't see. I don't see the transparent window. I try to push myself and strike it again with my head rolling. As if I'm immune to the pain, I strike the window again and again naive of the fact that the barrier is unbreakable. I wander close to the barrier trying to push it and get outside but every time in vain.

There are other houseflies too, trying to penetrate the wall. But a lot of them have the same fate as mine. Some manage to escape the terror of having to stay in the house when they luckily find some windows open. But the windows soon get closed. With little ability to understand what's happening, I carry on and when I lose all my faith in my strength I look for another way outside. I find ways but they're all the same. I keep on flying in the house hoping for someone to open the windows. But that never happens and I am trapped in the house that I find to be a boring place. The outer world as is said has so much in store or so I believe. The fear of having to spend all my life inside the house drags me to the window again. With some gained strength I bang the window with my body. But the window is too strong to be broken. I bang again and again but nothing changes except my strength which gets weaker and weaker.

Soon the sun goes down and the dusk breaks. As I fail my aspirations, the outer world seems dark to me. I now find the outer world to be ugly with endless darkness. I find the light inside the house to be more pleasant and the house - a beautiful place. I am suddenly proud that I'm inside the house. I fall in love with the house. As the night breaks, I see some new entrants in search of light and I go back to the window and see that there are thousands of moths that long to get inside. I'm happy that I'm on the better part of the world. I fly and dance in front of those moths and tease them from inside. But my happiness is not for long. The lights go off, darkness prevails inside too. I look out of the window again. I see a faint light far away and the moths dancing under the light. But the outer world is as dark as the house.

Again the dawn breaks, the sun shines and I realize how wrong I was to believe the house to be more beautiful than the outer world. I try to break the invisible wall. I curse myself again. This is my fate, this is the world I should live in, this is the best I can get. I never realize that I have so much to do inside the house, I have so many wonders happening inside and the outer world is just too unsettling. Inside the house I have a place to sleep, I have friends, and my family. I don't realize that I will be lost in the outer world. I never stop going to the window, looking outside and longing to explore the world.

White Bed Black Wheels

I had to be rushed to the hospital. The fever wouldn't come down and my body felt like it was burning. At the ER the doctor urged me to get admitted immediately. It was the first time I remember being admitted to a hospital. '248 A' was assigned to me. I was too weak to remember how I was taken to bed. I just wanted to lie down. I remember faintly that it was a small room with two beds, the other one already occupied. There was a shared bathroom and my bed was beside the window. There was a fan on the ceiling moving at high speed. I had already started shivering when I climbed the bed. The bed was a little taller than I had expected.

There came the Doctor to ask for the details. He asked me so many questions and I got irritated. He talked so much about TB that for once I feared that I they had diagnosed me with TB. But I remembered they hadn't done any tests. He asked me to show where I had a surgery when I was young. I wondered why was he so interested to see. Finally the questions stopped and I closed my eyes.

A nurse rushed in and pierced a needle on my arm. "Oh no! This kid has such high fever!", she exclaimed. More than the fever, her calling me kid bothered me. I looked at her. She wasn't very old, must be in her mid thirties and she took me as a kid. I didn't understand. She connected the IV to my veins through a bottle of antibiotic. She stuffed two pills  into my mouth and left. 

I thought I was asleep. Suddenly I was shaken and there was this beautiful lady in front of my eyes. I realized I was in a hospital bed. She put the thermometer under my arms and went. I thought hours had passed since she left and she wouldn't return. After what felt like an eternity, she came and took the thermometer and announced "105.8". I was not amazed, I was hardly in a position to realize what that meant.

Later again I was forced to open my eyes. The beautiful nurse was holding a syringe in her hand. She asked me to change sides and then put the syringe on my back. It did not hurt. Now there was another one to be put through the needle in my hand. She asked me to take a long breath. She tried to talk to me but I could not bring myself to answer her questions. This time it hurt very much. More than the pain it was irritating. I closed my eyes and my mind started racing so bad that I fell asleep. When I opened my eyes I saw my best friend Abishek. He talked to me all the time and kept me alive. But everytime after a little chat I went to sleep.

I woke up this time fully drenched in my own sweat. My shirt was fully soaked. I could not sleep. I looked up. Dad was sleeping, I don't know for how long. I didn't wake him up but waited to fall asleep again. I could not sleep this time. After a little while, the nurses arrived. "Look at him, he is fully soaked", one of them said. Another put the thermometer under my arms again. Dad woke up. "Do you have another shirt?", one of them asked. I tried hard to remember but I couldn't. "No", Dad replied. The nurse immediately rushed, and came back with a gown. She brought a towel and wiped my body. Then both of them helped me out with wearing the gown. 102 was the temperature. "This guy is amazing", one of the nurses uttered. "He had almost 106 fever and never panicked. He is the same at 102". "Yes! He is so calm", I heard another of them agree. I lied down again and the nurses went.

It was early in the morning must be around 5 when Mom arrived with some soup for me. I was in no mood to eat but she forced me to. I was feeling a little better but still a little unconscious of what was going on. The nurse again came and put the antibiotic. The fever, they measured and again it was 104. More pills again. I think in 6 hours I took seven of them. 

Some of my family members started to arrive. I tried to talk to them but I was too exhausted. They'd ask questions and suggest food. I'd had some juice and again sleep. All I wanted to do was sleep so that I wouldn't have to bear the pain.

The entire time I heard people talking from the other bed. There was a woman in that bed. I never saw her because of the curtain until the day she was discharged. Her voice was very sweet with am ethnic accent. She needed blood transfusion but her family was having difficulty finding blood. The second day, she was about to leave without blood. But there was a huge male voice that visited her. He scolded her and told her that it was waste of time and money to go without blood being transfused. She was convinced and her sister in law who seemed to be very young too, called people and they managed to get some fresh blood. That night she was transfused with three pints of blood. She seemed very happy the next day. She packed her things and was discharged in the evening. She bade goodbye and it was the first time I saw her. I knew I was going to miss that voice. But I was jealous of her freedom. I didn't know I was about to stay three more nights after her departure.

Immediately after her departure, there was an arrival of a couple. The woman was being operated the next morning. I didn't bother about what was happening on the other side of the curtain. I wanted to sleep, moreover I wanted the fever to come down so that I would be discharged. But I knew it was going to take time.

"This antibiotic failed yesterday", Doctor said. "I have started another one from yesterday evening. It will take 72 hours.", he said. I was so disappointed then. 72 hours meant three days. Three more days in that bed that made so much noise when I twisted and turned. I wanted the time to pass but time is an evil thing. It took forever.

 I was not feeling any better. I was not convinced that the antibiotic was working until after 48 hours when I was able to sit on the bed. I was able to talk but not for long. It was Saturday when 72 hours would be complete. That meant I wouldn't be discharged that day. 

The next morning on Sunday, I was feeling very good. I had no fever for the first time. I was feeling as if nothing had happened. Doctor arrived and asked whether 72 hours were complete. "Okay. So do you want to spend one more night or go home?", he asked me with a happy face. There was no alternate to going home. I immediately pointed towards the door and said I wanted to leave.

That afternoon I had to wait until 3 to put my dose. I thanked the nurses and luckily the ones who had taken so much care the first night were on duty. I thanked them headed outside the hospital. I boarded a taxi towards home. It felt like I was a bird. It felt so good to be back home. I lied down on my bed. It was so comfortable. Those six days that white bed with black wheels, gave me all sorts of trouble. But still I miss that bed. That was where I threw away my pains, fever and healed to be able to walk back home.